Random adventures through my life... in all their glory and splendor.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My secret weight loss formula REVEALED

So, when you're built like half a man like I am, you get used to people using adjectives like 'thin' or 'skinny' or 'boney' to describe you. True story, I actually got called 'slight' the other day as if it were 'slightly' less of an insult. Slight? Really? What am I, a ballet dancer? At that point you might as well call me a 'lithe' or 'wispy' and get it over with.
Everyone assumes that I've always been this way. And granted, I never hit big guy status, but the truth is, 4 years ago I was up 25 pounds and well, any way you look at it, that's a decent sized bag of cat food to be carrying around your waist all the time.
So how did I do it? How did I become the sexy, lean, beast you see before you today? I can sum it up in two words:

Stress. Out.

That's right, you too may be among the small percentage of people who actually lose weight under stress. Just like me! You just have to apply this simple formula to your current life style:

Anxiety = Loss of Appetite + Metabolic boost = Weight Loss

See? It's just that easy! You stress out. You're no longer hungry so you quit eating. AND with your accelerated metabolism, you'll be burning off the pounds while you lie awake all night!

I don't just sell the system, I really believe in it. Let me tell you how it all worked for me. 3 years ago my fat ass was happily sitting on the couch dipping Fritos into a pint of Ben and Jerry's when my wife and I decided to try this program called, "Go to Ethiopia and come home with two children." In less than a week I was totally stressed and BAM! 10 pounds gone in 2 months! Then 2 years ago I lost my job and another 10 pounds! It really was amazing. And simple!

And that's not all! It's practically free, there's no expensive equipment to buy, and you don't even have to change your exercise routine. Heck, you can probably even make money by selling your bed, since you will be too worked up to use it anyway. And on the all stress program, you can eat whatever you feel like eating! Anything you can choke down is yours to keep! I've even lost weight after a night of binge drinking! Never mind the fact that I was completely dehydrated and that alcohol and caffeine amplify anxiety disorders. They also accelerate weight loss and that's why I drink Captain AND Coke! What's important is your weight, not your health, so it all still counts! It's remarkable!

Oh, and it's a great conversation starter too. People will love to hear about how you are using just the pressure of daily life to drive your weight down. Women especially will find your story absolutely fascinating. Be sure to bring it up loudly and often for maximum effect on the babes.

So try it now! Join the millions of people who have gone through sudden and catastrophic lifestyle changes and see if the all stress program is right for you!

Results are not typical. For most normal people walking this planet, anxiety and depression tend to cause weight *gain.* Stress and comfort eaters may not experience similar results. Symptoms of large amounts of stress include depression, blood pressure spikes, and long term damage to your internal organs. But hey, at least you'll be skinny, right? Please consult your doctor before changing your diet, exercise routine, or increasing stress levels. And talk to your local comedian if you are having trouble coming to grips with sarcasm on the internet.
Click HERE for more actual info.
On a side note, I've found that adding fries to a meal consistently adds half a pound the next morning. Like clockwork. Even for a slight guy.

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