I can has dream?

Unnamed gray tabby, CodeName: "Fat Murray"

One of the nice things about working for a government agency is that when these federal holidays like MLK Day come around, you can visit all of your favorite capitalists without using a personal day. Today I hit the dentist, the recycling center, Ace Hardware, Lube Pro's, Taco Bell, and the gym. That's a week's worth of lunch hours right there. I had also scheduled an appointment with the Vet in hopes of catching one of the "Outsiders" and getting it's little gears put in neutral, so to speak. (Much to Chris's chagrin, I keep calling them "The Outdoorsies" which is absolutely as lame as it sounds) Under normal circumstances, we feed them before going to work. They know the schedule and come running. But it's been so ridicu-cold lately that even though we put food out early, the cats don't show up until much later after the sun comes out.

Intolerant Tabby would like to celebrate
this day by being left the hell alone.

Anyway, today, I don't know how they knew, but 15 minutes after canceling the appointment and explaining to the Vet that there was no way I would possibly see, let alone capture a cat in this weather, they showed up and brought friends. It's as if they all have little feline cellphones and texted each other.

FREE FUD, NO TRAPZ

ORLY? SW33T

KTHXBAI

So, there I am standing in the snow feeling like Boss Hogg at the end of every Dukes of Hazard episode with nothing to do but throw my hat on the ground, clench my fists, and take pictures of the freeloaders. Happy MLK Day little punks. You won't out smart me next time!

Why I don't cook

Here's a little recipe I cooked up that's sure to make you popular at your next family gathering:

Prep time: About 3 hours
Ingredients:
-1 pint of Ben and Jerry's
-1 serving of an alcoholic beverage, your choice
-2 high fiber granola bars
Directions: 3 hours prior to engagement, consume all ingredients. Add alcohol to taste. 'Brew' for 2+ hours or until you explode. Revel in your impending infamy.
Caution: Do NOT share this recipe with other family members! Do NOT share the glory.

Also great for family vacations or long road trips!

Now, I tried this out the day before all the festivities this year, but I can assure you that had I indulged in this concoction and then headed out for a full day with the extended family, the results would have been... legendary. Bon Apetite!

Turkey Ops

Mmmm, Turkey....

This Thanksgiving Day worked out kind of interestingly for us this year. My side meets tomorrow in Elgin, and we didn't get our act together soon enough to make it out to Michigan. So... what do you do when you don't have plans for Turkey Day? Well, for the last 2 years Chris and I have been hearing stories from a couple of our friends about how *wonderful* their Thanksgiving meals are, and how *exotic* the ingredients are, and how much time and energy the cook puts into it, and on and ON and ON... And knowing these folks pretty well, we knew it was certainly within the realm of possibility that all this stuff was true. So we thought, what better way to avoid the stress of the season, than to leech onto someone else's family for a holiday, right? Genius! So about mid-June we started conspiring on how we could get ourselves invited into somebody else's home. After some recon and a couple well placed, pathetic, and not-so-subtle hints, we did indeed get the invite. Our friends were even kind enough not to roll their eyes on our arrival. But I gotta tell you, they delivered. The food was amazing. I've forgotten how magical buttermilk, sour cream, and bacon are. They can make anything taste better, and these folks take no prisoners which is probably why we had to sign a medical waiver on the way in.
As a total side note, Chris and I discussed later how it seems that having a couple of stragglers/strays/freeloaders around for the holidays might help put the family on better behavior. Stories that are told over and over now have a fresh audience and I think people tend to think twice before flinging dirt when it's no longer 'just' the family.
Anyway, kudos to our hosts and thanks for letting us take the soup home. It was just as good the second time around. (And the 3rd! -chris)

The True Spirit of Halloween

(This is not my cat, but I wish I had thought of it...)

Let me tell you why I like Halloween. It's a purely sadistic reason. Chris doesn't *think* she likes Halloween so I take it upon myself every year to convince her otherwise. We have our own Halloween ritual that goes something like this...

"I hate Halloween, gah..."
"I know honey... I'm not really excited about it either. Should I get some candy anyway?"
"Ugh. Why? So a bunch of teenagers who don't even bother to put on a costume can pander at our house? You can if you want, but you have to watch the door."
"Ok... I'll take care of it."

(four bags of candy later)

BING BONG
"Murf urf turf"

"Whoa aren't you spooky! Here's some candy."
"Why is that kid dressed in the Scream mask? He can't be older than seven. Did his mother actually let him watch that movie? What's wrong with these people?"
"I don't know baby. That movie's older than he is, I suspect those masks are cheap these days."
"This holiday is ridiculous."

BING BONG
"Twick or tweet"

"Aw... Here ya go little ninja. Hey Chris, you just missed the cutest little assassin."
"Sigh... you're just perpetuating the problem. If we don't feed them, they'll quit coming."
"Then I wouldn't get to watch this tiny unicorn with baggy legs wobble around!"
"Really?"
"Yeah, if you hurry you can see her try to climb our stairs"
"Oh! Hee-hee! Look! Here comes a little bumblebee!"

That's when I know I've got her. At least for a little while.

But also, just as importantly, if we hadn't been giving out candy, we wouldn't have met our neighbors right across the street (who we've just been watching with a condescending eye from behind our curtains for the last 6 months.) With one of the kids dressed in a Star Trek uniform, we probably should have known that we had things in common. Then the mom says, "Have you guys seen Babylon5? My husband loves that show," and it was like the heavens opened up for my wife. "I'm watching it right now in the other room!" Chris replied.

So yeah, if it turns out she knits, I'll probably never see my wife again, but at least I'll know where to find her.

Beware of Good Lasagna

I wrote up a devotional for Church and since it's the only thing I've written in 6 months I thought I'd post it.
-Lee

If you were asked to freely associate the word "Holiday" what is the first word that comes to mind? Personally, I would blurt back "Food". Food means Cooking, and Cooking is a tradition that is loosely translated as, "Opportunity for failure" in the Gardner household. My mother is a gifted and loving woman, but I am reasonably certain that she was afflicted with a childhood disease that has permanently altered her perception of temperature and flavor. With my mother, meals were always hit or miss and holidays usually doubly so. My sister and I had a game called "Burnt or Frozen?" which was kind of like betting on red or black in roulette. The gambling analogy continues in that there was the possibility that dinner could "land on green" and be both. This was usually due to some unsuspecting bag of peas, happily minding its own business in the back of the freezer, getting called into active duty at the last second. Which leads us to the next critical flaw in my mother's cooking philosophy, creativity does not equal edibility. There are people who can improvise with ingredients, but my mother is not one of them. I'm just saying, just because you CAN combine leftover chicken and strawberry jello, doesn't mean you should.

Anyway, what I..m getting at is that when my mom said, ..Your sister will be here for lunch. Why don't you come over too, I'll make lasagna," there's just cause for suspicion. Actually even when she says, "I'll make grilled cheese," you should proceed with caution. But as it turns out, on this day, the lasagna was good. Initially cold, but good. Really good. Too good. I was suspicious.

Now, my mother won't outright lie about her dark art mealtime techniques, but you do have to ask the right questions. So instead of brutishly saying, "The lasagna is really good, what's wrong with it?" I waited and gathered more information. You probably should know that my parents are retired and now spend a lot of time volunteering for various community projects. So when the conversation shifted toward the local food bank and the pattern of giving around the holidays, I started to put things together. "This lasagna is really good. Did you take it from homeless people?" I asked sensitively. This is the point at which I believe my sister snorted a still frozen pea out her nose, but don't quote me on that. "I think it's from Market Day," she replied providing an answer yet completely dodging the question. Now I knew I was on the right track so I continued to poke at my mother. "Don't the homeless like lasagna too? This IS really good lasagna." Cornered, all she came back with, "They were full." Huh? Laughable yes, but this logic clearly required further needling. "So.. you're saying we're eating some homeless person's leftovers?" I said as innocently as I could muster, but by this time she had formulated a better argument.

"Listen" she said, "Today we are dining in unity with our brethren, the homeless."
I was trumped and I knew it. "If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for you." She added. "And if you don't like it, maybe you should do something about it," which was a completely unnecessary thing to add. I had gotten the picture at the word "Unity."

It's my understanding that generally food banks and other public services have little problem with getting donations between Thanksgiving and New Years when people are still in "the spirit of giving." Reflect on Ephesians 2:4-7 and commit yourself to an act of kindness in the off season.

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions..it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.
(Ephesians 2:4-7)