Home Owner Aptitude Test 2: D+

Bob is not a popular man in the Gardner household. He's the previous owner of our house, and basically, anything that goes, will go, or has gone wrong, I blame on Bob. If Bob had taken care of it right the first time, then I wouldn't be dealing with it now. Yes, I know. Our house is nearly 100 years old and he's only 65. Don't try to change the subject. It's all his fault.

For instance, I'm absolutely positive that Bob didn't update any of the electrical wiring. He added some more, but there's still plenty that's ridiculously old. The whole south half of our house is on one circuit. So I could be in the front with the vacuum, and Chris could be in the kitchen (three rooms away) with the coffee maker and we'll blow the fuse. There are 16 circuits in the electrical box. What exactly are the other 15 doing? I think they should quit loafing and help poor little 15amp #16 when the toaster oven kicks on.

Suffice it to say that 'Bob' is my three letter four letter word, and when I put on my Mr. Fixit hat, it gets a lot of mileage.

So today's exercise in frustration is courtesy of Bob. Because if Bob hadn't bought the cheapest bathroom faucet on the planet, I wouldn't have had to spend 5 hours replacing it. I know what you're thinking... "But Lee, the sign at Menards says that replacing a faucet usually takes 60 minutes or, at the most, 90 minutes if you're a hydrophobic, seven fingered monkey."

Here's the thing... This faucet has been bugging me for a while because it sprays water at weird angles, which is symptomatic of debris clogging the fixture. No biggie, you should just be able to remove the piece at the end of the nozzle, the aerator, at clear out any bits of gunk in the filter. However, when you buy the cheapest faucet on the planet with a permanent aerator, this is not an option and you have to truck your butt out to Lowes for a replacement once it gets clogged. Thank you Bob. So I run out to BigBox Store #1 and buy a nice $70 fixture (on sale for $45) only to get it home to find that it's aerator is also permanently attached. Apparently a $70 faucet is on the low end, and only suitable for people who think their pipes don't rust. Anyway, it was a deal breaker, so I return it and go to BigBox #2. Fortunately they have an equivalent faucet for the same price and it has my 'feature.' So I get home, gather a bucket o' tools, and mentally prepare myself for lying on my back on my bathroom floor for the next hour. I turn off the hot and cold water from under the sink and proceed to get hosed down. Again, normally when you turn a knob into the OFF position, it's reasonable to assume you won't get wet. But when Bob buys the cheapest Water Supply Valves in the world (probably some package deal with the faucet,) you should just expect them to break on contact. So I dump all my tools on the floor, wedge the bucket behind the sink, and run into the basement to find the main shut off valve. I crank the valve closed and walk back upstairs. Water is still pouring out. I run back downstairs and turn the valve more. Water is still coming out. I do this two more times, and I think the only reason the knob didn't break off in my hand is because my flailing little Tyrannosaurus arms barely touch fingers, let alone grip anything. Then, in a moment of shear enlightenment, I turn on the water for the laundry sink in the basement which effectively drains all the piping above it. And finally my bathroom sink stops running. Yay Gravity!

So I'm off to LocalHardwareStore #1 for a new set of valves. LHS#1 is closed because I guess only idiots don't finish their "60 minute" weekend projects before noon on Saturday, so drive on to LHS#2 that's a little more forgiving... they give you until 6pm. As I peruse the plumbing repair aisle, I can now see why someone would skimp on valve quality. You can save about 19 cents per valve, and you do have to get one for hot AND for cold. So that's like, what... give me a minute... let me do the math on this one. But I'm not bitter. I'm just walking around a hardware store with wet pants because some guy wanted to save 38 cents 10 years ago. My cold drippy butt can get behind that.

Anyway, I was kind of in a hurry and forgot that pipes as well as valves come in multiple sizes. So I bought valves (the good ones) of both sizes for a grand total of $9.75 and trucked back home. Now, what I really should have known was that the world's cheapest faucet would be connected to the world's cheapest water valve with... you guess it, the world's cheapest, and now crustiest and not-so-flexible, tubing. That miscalculation would cost me trip #2 to LHS#2. For those of you keeping count that's 2 trips to BB1, 1 trip to BB2, 1 trip to closed LHS, and 2 trips to LHS#2. This project has now cost me 5 hours, $50 in parts, and roughly $120 in gas. So at this point I call my wife and ask her some thinly veiled questions like, "You won't be home any time soon, right?" to make sure I've still got a buffer of time.

The good news, and the reason I gave myself a passing grade on this Home Aptitude Test, is that the faucet is now installed and almost completely leak free! As a bonus, the aerator is not only removable, but will shoot water square at your crotch if you don't put it back on correctly. Now that's a feature the next owner of this house is sure to appreciate!

I hope they blame Bob too.